Duelin' Firemen - If lovin' this heat is wrong, I don't wanna be right

I have previously regaled you with tales of how one Full Motion Video (FMV) game nearly destroyed society as we know it, but last week I discovered another FMV game that likely also would have completely changed society. Unfortunately, it was never released.

Duelin' Fireman was originally conceived as a game for the 3DO. This excerpt from GamePro magazine probably describes it best:

The Hype: Singing firemen. That's right, singing firemen. In this full-motion video outing, Air Force One crashes into the Sears Tower, setting all of Chicago ablaze. Emergency personnel have abandoned their posts, so it's up to the player, in the boots of the fire captain, to find "buildings that are not burning, where the captain and his crew quickly create an intricate dance accompaniment to the captain's musical selection of choice." If a rival brigade shows up in the same building, "Watch out! It's time for a hoedown!" To win the game, you have to score a contract with a Japanese record company. We are not making this up.

The "game" features a diverse cast such as Rudy Ray Moore (known for his role in seminal blacksploitation film Dolemite), Mark Mothersbaugh of Devo, Terrence McKenna, Tony Hawk, Timothy Leary, Steve Albini, Rev. Ivan Strang of The Church of the SubGenius, and David Yow of Jesus Lizard. As a bit of trivia, if the game had come out, it would have been Tony Hawk's first video game appearance, 4 or 5 years before the skateboarding series that bears his name. Also, a few years back, there were thoughts of reviving the game, but with 9/11, the concept of a space shuttle hitting the Sears Tower was thought to not go over well.

Anyway, you have to check out this apparent trailer for the game that consists of several of the video sequences edited together. It is absolute batshit insane. Or, as one cast member put it:

What sets this game apart from anything else I've ever seen is the TOTAL MIND-RAPE HILLBILLY SPAZZ-OUT STYLE of it. It makes Sam Raimi look like D.W. Griffith by comparison... makes Tim Burton look like Ernie Bushmiller. It is sick, twisted, weird and 'Frop-besoaked like nothing on earth.

For more information on the game, check out this metafilter post and its comments and this post by cast member Rev. Ivan Strang.

Classified under: Duelin' Firemen, video games, 3DO, vaporware

Cho Seung-hui's Richard McBeef

Earlier this week, Warren Ellis commented that in the next month that they'll be at least four new bands called Richard McBeef. The guy's probably right on the money. That noted, I'm surprised that he didn't predict that Cho Seung-hui's plays would garner more memetic attention. If you check youtube or google video, you'll see that there's a couple of versions of Richard McBeef out there (as an aside, I think that perhaps Richard McBeef is Cho's sly commentary on McBeth, perhaps?), ranging from a decently staged short film to this, a puppet flick. Jim Hensen, this is not.

Twist Ending: the Goosebumps Blog

So back before Harry Potter came out, moms were fretting. Yes, kids were discovering the joys of reading, but they were reading Goosebumps. I'm not sure why they were so frightened. Was it because kids were indulging in kindergarten level Lovecraftian horror, or was it because the books were bad. I have a mental picture of R. L. Stein sitting on the toilet literally shitting out another sub-par Goosebumps novel hoping that he'd get another pay cheque fast enough to fuel his hungry smack problem. These novels, if you can call them that, are easily not good. That said, Goosebumps helped me improve my French reading abilities. Does this make me a hypocrite for taking the piss?

Twist Ending takes the piss better than I ever could. It focuses on what made goosebumps the phenom that it was, back in the day: the twist ending. mps. Troy Steele, the site's author, expertly examines the twist as well as the shitty ass fake cliff hangers and makes delicious comedic pie out of it. For that, it's worth checking out.

Damn, I want that game!

At the website, insert credit, they spotlighted a person living in Russia who was documenting the pirated Famicom (NES) and Mega Drive (Genesis) games available there. In doing this, he also took a photograph of some pirated Game Boy Advance games available and one in particular caught my (and most people's) eye:



Yes, Secret Agent Royal Jew. Does that game seem like a classic or what?

Sadly, I've been informed that it is likely just a truncation of a Barbie game called Barbie Secret Agent: The Royal Jewels. But a guy can dream, can't he?

Classified under: video games, Russia, piracy, Jews

Shit Powered Future: the Aachi & Ssipak trailer

I remember that right before the turn of the century, Japan was considered to be the greatest exporter of cinematic goodness in the world. In the last couple of years, thanks to a Korean law that insists that Korean theaters show movies from their country 100 days of the year (much to the MPAA's chagrin), the South Korean movie industry has been booming. Thanks to this law, directors such as Takeshi, Miike and others are being forgotten to new fresh Korean directors like Chan-wok Park, Kim-Ki Duk and Joon-ho Bong. Seriously, Korean cinema is awesome.

Until now, Japan has had a monopoly on animation, specifically weird shit that's aimed at man-children. No longer! Aachi and Ssipak is a futurific thriller that takes place in a post apocalyptic future (aren't they all?) where human shit is used to power the Earth. Thanks to unauthorized defecation, the government has inserted monitors in everyone's anuses to make sure that they're helping to power the future. Spoken for truth. Even if that doesn't grab you (it did me, mother fucker!), check out the trailer and see what happens when you outsource 90% of the animation in the States. The results are eye lovingly awesome

Too Soon! Massacre Edition

What does Warren Ellis think of school related killings? The answer was pulled from comic shelves almost a decade ago.

32 people were killed today, for those who are keeping track. For those of you keeping score, someone's thinking of you too

Fistacuffs: Battle of the Comic Book Super Star

Okay, so I got into it pretty late in the game, but I figured that I'd spread the word. Fist-a-cuffs is comicbookdom's survival of the fittest. Every couple of days, comic book super stars team up with each other in true tag team fashion to pummel their opponents' characters. Super stars like who? The powerful posse includes Paul Pope, Kieron Dwyer, Scott Morse and more! Because we live in an enlightened era, the winners of each match are decided by the powers of democracy, and not the powers of violence. So do your part citizen, and help decide this round's winner

My Mommy Is a Democrat: a book in one part

Being a Canadian, I honestly don't see the appeal of politicizing someone's childhood, but who am I to doubt the American Way? Still, if I were an American parent, I'm sure that the review by Kyleigh Grulke (age 5), would sell me the picture book faster than a positive review by the New York Times

Wiki After Dark: Strange Sex Wiki

The future is awesome! Sex is awesome! Wikis are awesome! But combined? Yes, a combination of them all is awesome.

Wiki After Dark, like all wikis,is a collaborative website that allows you add your carnal knowledge ever growing database of kink. Dig this: they bent the site enough from the usual wiki so that you know that it's a defacto sex one. Instead of calling small, incomplete wikis, they call them "sperms"

This is a WikiAfterDark Sperm: it means that it is a small part of the whole ejaculate that it should be.

This is seven shades of crazy! Want to learn how to fist animals while dressed up like a dead kitten, hence fulfilling your deepest and most satisfying desires? Of course you do! Drink from the knowledge tree and let your sexual curiousity be quenched.

Kindergartner arrested for tempter tantrum

Sadly, this is absolutely true. A little kid was throwing a tantrum, the police were called in and he was arrested. Police Chief Frank Mercurio had this to say about the incident:

When there is an outburst of violence, we have a duty to protect and make that school a safe environment for the students, staff and faculty. That's why, at this point, the person was arrested regardless what the age.

Classified under: law enforcement, stupidity

Sentimental Journey

Mind not her face as she looks as she's retarded. But if she *is* retarded, she's a *magical* retard! Instead, focus on the visuals. I have no clue who directed this, but whoever did it is seven shades of cool. Not only does the video make oblique references to the Invisibles, but it also uses no cgi, instead, opting for look-a-likes and copious uses of gel.

Alanis Morrissette sings My Humps

This has been absolutely all over the internet in the past couple days, but for the two of you who have not seen it, here is Alanis Morrissette's soulful, earnest heart-rending cover of My Humps.



Classified under: music, Alanis Morrissette